Our Family Tree Blog

What Would Fertility Look Like as an Ad?

Wanted:  Wild Ride with Tons of Turns

As the husband who has been going through fertility treatments for the last six years with my wife, I thought it would be the right thing to do to kindly answer her invite to write a post in honor of National Infertility Week.

I’m also a marketing guy and amateur advertising junkie, the type who likes taglines from commercials.  “Wanna get away?” from Southwest Airlines is an all-time favorite of mine, as is “Mr. Opportunity” who comes knocking from Honda.  And Volkswagen’s “sign then drive” event is hilarious and memorable.

I started thinking, what would a want-ad for fertility possibly look like?  Maybe something like this:

W A N T E D – Qualified Candidates Who Can:

• Take anything thrown their way
• Make money appear out of thin-air
• Be comfortable with various meds
• Learn to speak “insurance-ease”
• Have levels of patience not formerly known to humans
• Exhibit compassion
• Enjoy small triumphs
• Analyze research without being a Harvard med student
• Digest and process disappointment
• Become a better person
• Maybe even celebrate

While I feel like I could apply for this ad at this point today, while also still going to school for another degree perhaps, I didn’t have nearly all of the qualifications a few years ago.   But, that’s okay.  I learned that I’ve got a little more humility inside of me than previously thought, which would have stayed bottled-up otherwise.  I’ve grown as a person and we’ve grown as a couple.

The fact is, without advancements in fertility technology and the related health treatments, we perhaps may never have had a child.  I’m grateful, and our daughter is the best thing that’s happened to us.  What a wild ride so far, albeit also “priceless,” as MasterCard would say.

*Image Credit: Avis.com

Diary Entry February 2011,

My infertility has always been public knowledge. While I don’t talk about it a lot – (who wants to harp on it?) I’ve always been very honest, because you never know when you are going to be able to pay it forward. I’ve been lucky like that. I’ve paid it forward – several times – which really does make me happy. Three years from the very day infertility began, a friend called me up to tell me she was fertile myrtle. Swear. True story. You can’t imagine it, right? It’s similar to having a friend lose a job, foreclose on a home, and then you call them up to tell them the exciting news that you bought a bigger home. I hear the cynics already – “why can’t you just be happy for her?” Well, of-course I am. I just wish the delivery was a little different. More thoughtful, less insensitive.

My favorite infertility blogger is Mel from the Stirrup Queens. She’s just brilliant. In her post, Facebook Status Updates and Infertility, she discussed my favorite word of the day: Circumspection. “Circumspection is very different from not speaking about it at all.  Circumspection means that you think about how your words may be perceived and you tailor them to the person” (Mel, Stirrup Queens, 11/2010). I think about circumspection quite a bit. I use it at my job all the time. Sometimes I need to alter my delivery to get the job done. As in being fair isn’t always being equal. I strive to use circumspection with my friends whether I’m visiting, calling or writing. On the flip side, as Mel, points out “infertile people need to be upfront if they want a little sensitivity thrown their way.” And that takes courage. A whole lot of it.

So I get it, people have every right to post, tweet, and pin their upcoming pregnancy. The fertile myrtle’s of the world have every right to be well, fertile. I have always been extremely appreciative of sincere personal exchanges, emails and phone calls announcing pregnancies; it’s kind of like that personal touch that goes a long way with regards to friendships and relationships. I am in a unique situation where I can empathize with all parties. I have been both the joyous pregnant woman AND the pregnant woman among others who are struggling to get pregnant and mourning over
the loss. I know how hard it is. And it was not easy at times to be happy for myself while sensitive to others. I have learned to edit my written and spoken words, and to choose my words carefully. It is not a lesson I have asked to learn, but one that was given to me. It’s a health issue that is totally out of my control. I would never wish this diagnosis on anyone; yet I cannot go back and change the part without changing the whole; and I would never change what I have now. It’s a struggle every day, not being able to lose the stigma or the sting. But, I handle it with grace as much as possible. Only my husband knows the real ugliness it can rear and I’d like to keep it at that thankyouverymuch.

RESOLVE’s Infertility Etiquette Link

*Picture: Carl & Ellie from “UP”

Diary Entry April 2009,

My husband has said since the beginning of our situation, we should focus on working with others who were part of “team positive.” If  they weren’t going to bring a positive spin to the situation, we should just walk away. Case and point, enter in he-who-shall-not-be-named or, for the sake of being easy, we’ll call him Dr. A. He’s the king of giving ASSVICE. Nobody could be more negative than him.

Webster’s defines “advice” as a recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct; counsel. “Assvice” is counsel from a donkey.

Dr. A surfaced about 2.5 years into infertility and I was doctor/patient/insurance/treatment savvy by then.  He was the professional who yelled at my husband over the phone. At 10pm. This was in response to learning the fact that we were no longer carrying twins. At 20 weeks. Classy. When I hear great assvice from people – I immediately think of Dr. A.

We were fortunate, however; the majority of professionals WERE helpful and gave sage advice. Just not Dr. A. You see, regardless of the fact that Dr. A did not have our chart in front of him, after we explained our reason for calling he should have had a bit of compassion for our situation and what we had gone through to get where we were. Considering this practice was not the most positive group of people (my actual doctor never even called me until 1.5 weeks later) we politely asked for a copy of our files on Monday morning and picked them up right away. He said the front office staff was quiet and somber. We received a phone call – an apology – from the head of the practice Monday evening. Hey, as long as I didn’t have to talk to Dr. A ever again things were already improving.

And that assvice at 10pm at night? It went along the lines of “don’t search for medical information on the internet.” Oh thanks for the assvice, Dr. A. I guess if your practice had called me I wouldn’t have needed to. I’ll be sure to call you the next time I want to hear a donkey speak.

*Image from Desktopia.net, original source, Disney/Pixar.

Diary Entry August 2011,

This is a love story of sorts. A free-will giving. It is the story of a man who sold his car to commute 2 hours to work, each way, walking over the river and through the woods (literally), and catching 2 trains, to pay for fertility treatments. It is the story of a woman who drove to another state (before the workday began), and gave enough blood to support hundreds of NIH studies. It is a story of joy and forgiveness, for and of ourselves. The kind that keeps on giving.

I have verbally retold my story hundreds of times. I believe in good karma. And paying it forward. Yes, I know, a behavior analyst who believes in karma. But, it’s true. You just never know who your story is going to reach or impact. You would have never guessed that the road to our daughter included a few scraps of paper I printed off the internet that contained a couple possible treatment plans from people I had never met. You would never have guessed that a doctor would piece together the parts of my paper scraps and throw out a Hail Mary. A Hail Mary that resulted in our daughter.

And since then, I’ve been paying it forward. There isn’t a person that I forget to respond to, or a question that isn’t answered with brutal honesty. The more I pay it forward, the more I receive back. It’s been a truly rewarding experience. I am humbled every day at the kindness of others.

I think one of the biggest challenges of infertility is the enormous amount of costs people owe. Nobody likes to pay for healthcare. And every time I see an ad for coverage for ED I throw up a little. But few insurance companies will cover correcting a hormonal disorder, achieving or maintaining an early pregnancy. A wise person once told me she made it through the cost of treatments by thinking of it as an investment. You are investing in your future. And what a return on your investment it is!

I’ve met so many people on my journey that have gone through different means to grow their family. That may include a greater financial commitment and lots of paperwork or an acceptance that only comes with a lot of soul-searching I can assure you. I don’t see myself as a survivor but rather an advocate. I appreciate things in a different way. I am a little more compassionate. Always knowing that God has graced us with his extraordinary presence.

Good karma to some degree has brought us the success we’ve had so far. Conan O’Brien has summed it up nicely:

“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.
But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
I’m telling you, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, it’s just true!”

*Picture credits: Personal Photo: Cherry Blossoms April 2012